Go out there and find your mindful place of peace and get to know it, then it will always be there when you need it.

Snow’s the big news around here this week and it’s awfully beautiful to look at. As I was walking today, (yes, I walk in every kind of weather) I realized that snow is a wonderful way to experience moments of mindfulness. Which reminded me that even though most people have heard the advice to become more “mindful” it’s an abstract concept that doesn’t always make sense, especially if you are in a difficult time of life. NIH reports that people who regularly practice mindfulness are less depressed and anxious, sleep better, and have reduced blood pressure. Who couldn’t use a little more of that in their life!

The hardest part of creating a mindful practice is knowing exactly what you are trying to achieve. Everyone can sit quietly for a bit, try to be calmer, try to stop thinking etc. but those recommended behaviors often lead to frustration and more stress if you are stuck in a loop trying to “do” something and you don’t have the end result in mind. Once you have experienced some truly mindful moments, you then have a memory of mindfulness that you can call on to recreate that experience. So, the first step in creating a mindfulness practice is making sure you know the “feeling” of being mindful and have a goal of what state you are trying to create. Some hints to know if you have found how to be mindful is being able to calm yourself, let negative emotions roll over you and feeling fully present and safe in the moment.

The recent snow where I live provided a perfect setting to experience mindfulness because it engages so much of the senses. As a deep sense of calm filled me, I realized that sometimes it can be helpful to purposefully create an opportunity to be mindful that is out of the norm of day-to-day life. Then, when you are in the middle of regular routines and activities, you have that memory of mindful moments to draw upon to recreate that feeling.

Some tips for mindfulness: watch your thoughts, if they are drifting to the future (and worries) or past (often regrets) pull yourself back into the present moment. Remind yourself that you are safe and focus on what you need to be doing in just that one moment. If your thoughts are running away with you try “grounding” yourself by focusing on your senses. This is where a good snowy day can come in! Snow is a great reminder of how powerful our senses can be in impacting our mental state. The first thing I notice when I step outside on a snowy day is the drastic reduction in sound. The snow really mutes all the “normal” noise around you. Next, the feeling of snowflakes on your face or the smack of the cold when you step outside are refreshing and focus your attention on the sensations. As you look out at a snowy scene there is so much white and reflected light it feels bright and beautiful. It’s hard to think about or notice anything else in the moment. And in that moment, you are experiencing mindfulness.

So, what to do if you aren’t somewhere it is snowing? Any sensory experience can actually help you, if you are struggling, try finding a different environment to engage the senses so you can recognize the feeling of mindfulness, once you know what you are looking for it becomes easier for the brain to recognize what is going on and to “understand the assignment” Some options are a walk in the woods, a museum, a church, anywhere with a body of water (lake, pond, ocean, creek) a yoga class etc. As long as there are multiple ways for your senses to get engaged you can experience mindfulness and the many benefits mindful moments bring.  Go out there and find your mindful place of peace and get to know it, then it will always be there when you need it.

He’s Making a List and Checking it Twice!

Who knew that Santa was a model for healthy strategies to increase dopamine naturally! Making a list and checking items off a list gives a natural burst of dopamine throughout the day. If you aren’t a list maker, give it a try! We all naturally seek out dopamine increasing activities, eating chocolate, screen time, delicious food, and shopping can all give a burst of dopamine but often those activities can conflict with our goals. We can end up overeating, in debt from out-of-control spending, or losing hours of our life mindlessly scrolling on the internet. Learning to harness natural, healthy sources of the “feel good” neurotransmitters dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins is something everyone can do to increase brain health and overall feelings of wellness and contentment. Here are a few items to add to your list and as you cross them off, I guarantee you will feel a million times better!

Dopamine- the reward chemical

·         Eating healthy food (lots of protein and probiotics)

·         Achieving a goal—make lists with achievable goals to hit all throughout your day.

·         Self-care activities

·         Get plenty of sleep.

·         Take a cold shower.

Oxytocin- the love hormone

·         Connect with others socially.

·         Hugs and physical touch

·         Snuggle or pet your pets.

·         Plan a volunteer activity.

·         Compliment someone

Endorphins- nature’s painkiller

·         Exercise

·         Laughing (even fake laughing helps)

·         Listening to music

·         Sunlight

·         Dark chocolate

Serotonin- the mood stabilizer

·         Sunlight

·         Spending time outside in nature

·         Mindfulness activities

·         Exercise

·         Prayer

·         Vitamins B, C, and magnesium

 Start making those lists! There are so many natural healthy ways to support your mental health and well-being!

It’s a Wonderful Life!

All through November there are many reminders to be grateful, often people are posting things they are grateful for on social media and commercials and movies all have the Thanksgiving theme. All this gratitude often culminates for many around a nice Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends. For others, the holidays in general are stressful and for many grief and other struggles can feel even more pronounced as everyone else announces their many blessings. Perhaps for you it is a combination of both. Wherever you land on the gratitude continuum I’m here to give you a few tips and tricks to keep the gratitude flowing and to experience some of the peace and joy that is available to everyone with a grateful heart.

If you are one of the people in a hard season of life, gratitude can seem like an impossible ask but hear me out, there are so many benefits that a quick google search will impress you with the power of this practice. Gratitude is also a skill you can learn and harness for improving everything in your life. Some of the many benefits include improved mood, sleep, and immunity. You can also expect to experience reduced anxiety and reduced chronic pain. Many with regular gratitude practice experience more positive emotions, improve their relationships, develop optimism, and generally have a better sense of well-being. The best payoff though, is that your brain starts to change when you practice gratitude and scientists can track the different, healthy, brain activity in brains that are grateful on fMRI’s. You also get a burst of dopamine when you are grateful! It’s so good!

So, how do you develop a gratitude practice that can give you those benefits?

1.       Be intentional. There are many inexpensive gratitude journals available online or, if you have a phone, you can open up a “note” and start. Try to find at least three to five things each day that you are grateful for. Write them down and commit to doing it daily!

2.       Share your gratitude. Tell someone that you are grateful for them or some of the things you are grateful for. Saying things out loud is so powerful. The brain will believe what you tell it and a lot of people have a negative inner voice that is loud. If you voice your gratitude, it becomes more “real” to the brain.

3.       Be on the lookout! All through the day, when something good happens pause in that moment and give thanks. Again, if you can say it out loud even better, then your brain not only thinks it, but it also hears it as well. Using your senses is always powerful.

4.       Counterbalance. When you are struggling with something or an unexpected problem arises, that is often when people are quickly overwhelmed or lose momentum with the positive changes they are working on in their lives. In those difficult moments in life, accept that you are in a tough spot but counterbalance with a grateful moment. Otherwise known as finding a silver lining.

5.       Be grateful for the things you don’t have…. If you have your health be grateful you aren’t struggling with a medical issue. If you are struggling with your finances, be grateful for people in your life that are loving. This is a skill that really must be practiced, it can be so difficult in hard moments to remember the blessing you do have.

6.       Catch yourself when you are comparing and stop it as soon as you can. Comparing is the thief of gratitude. It focuses on scarcity instead of the abundant things in your life. As soon as you recognize that it is happening, accept that it is a natural human trait to compare but that you are going to focus on gratitude instead. You will immediately start to feel so much better!

7.       Especially at this time of year, Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” an old movie but with a timeless lesson on being grateful for what you have and how truly the world needs you in it. You are here for a purpose and when you remember that it becomes so much easier to be grateful for what you have in life.

Wishing you abundant gratitude in your life!

Conference Takeaways: There’s always something new to learn!

I have had a lot on my plate in the last few months and have felt overwhelmed many times but somehow, I was able to squeeze in a three-day professional development conference last week that completely rejuvenated me! I was very hesitant to make the financial and time commitment required to get away and really dive deep into counseling theory, but it was so worth it!

 So, I wanted to share some of my takeaways with you. If you haven’t challenged yourself to learn something new recently here’s your reminder to get out there and expand your horizons! There is so much to learn that can improve our life, mental and physical health, or just help you stay at the top of your game professionally. So here are my takeaways, in no particular order, that I’m hoping might help you as well!

·         Never stop learning! It is so exciting to learn new things and it keeps you from getting into a rut, particularly when it is job related. But really, just hearing other people share what they are passionate about and the latest research on topics of mental health and wellness was so inspiring and encouraging!

·         The mind/body connection… there is so much connection between our bodies and our mental health. There was multiple break out rooms teaching skills such as “Brainspotting” “Tapping” and EMDR, all therapeutic modalities that incorporate the eyes or body in the therapy. The higher levels of efficacy with these treatments are so exciting. There are truly ways to help therapy be more effective and last longer. This is one of the things I love so much about being a neurofeedback provider. As we train our brains to work better, everything gets easier!

·         SLEEP!... It’s so important and so elusive for so many people. Understanding the sleep cycles (circadian and sleep pressure) and how we can impact them to help improve sleep is something I can write a whole blog about. There is so much research out there. My favorite thing I learned about sleep, is to spend as little time as you can awake in your bed. Yes, do ALL of your winding down elsewhere and hit the bed only as you start to really get sleepy. The hardest thing, and one you probably already know, is that waking up at the same time everyday is the game changer. If you aren’t sleeping well, that one change could make a huge difference. The two areas that were focused on included “Winding down Well” and to “Rise Wisely” having sleep encouraging bedtime and wake up routines can reduce insomnia significantly and improve overall feelings of being well rested. Wondering if you have sleep issues? Well, according to experts, throw away the trackers and go by this one rule of thumb.  If you regularly wake up feeling refreshed before your alarm clock you are a sleep master!

·         Grief… it’s a human reality, we all experience losses throughout life, and the older we get they often feel like they begin to pile up. Understanding grief and giving yourself the freedom to really grieve the losses in your life and to honor those feelings is a huge part of healing. One of the important things stressed in this session was that it is essential to recognize the differences between, and often overlapping, disorders that often occur with grief, such as PTSD if there was trauma around the loss, major depressive disorder that can be exacerbated by a loss, and anxiety that often follows a loss. If you are struggling with mental health, a good history can help your therapist understand if grief therapy should be a part of your treatment plan. Prolonged grief can be hidden by some of these other issues but deserves competent treatment. 

·         Social Media… It’s something we all must live with and learn to balance. Social media has some wonderful uses, it can connect us with people, help inform us, and is entertaining! But there is a dark side to social media. It can be addictive and can cause secondary issues like reduced attention spans, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem. The evidence for this one is overwhelming… especially for girls. One strategy they recommend is putting your phone in “grayscale” or black and white mode. It helps reduce the appeal to the brain and makes scrolling slightly less fun.

·         I love being able to do therapy virtually, it creates so much extra time for people to be able to connect with a therapist and not have to drive to appointments etc. BUT I realized that I also love the connection with people when you are in person. Spending time with so many wonderful therapists during the conference reminded me that it’s always good to have an “in person” option from time to time for that authentic human to human connection. So, make sure if you work virtually that you make intentional time to connect with people in the world. There is just something so special about a smile in person that can’t be replicated on screen. My personal goal is to have access to an office once a week where I can meet clients in person periodically to foster that in person connection coupled with the convenience of being able to meet regularly via telehealth.

 I love learning and I hope you do too. :)

You can Choose What Gets to Land: A “Godwink” Moment

Recently, our family went through a really challenging time when my oldest son was in an accident, just days before starting his freshman year in college, that resulted in him losing the top half of his index finger. The accident itself was traumatic and painful for him and the following time healing and learning to adapt to life with a significantly changed hand has been a long road. Initially, I stayed in a nearby hotel to help him with wound care, follow up appointments, and pain control, not to mention just trying to help him get acclimated to being a freshman in college. It was a lot. It was overwhelming. It was unbelievably sad and challenging for him and so my heart hurt for him incessantly.

Not surprisingly, we were both struggling. No matter how much you know about mental health, the reality is that life will throw some awful things at everyone at some point. We will all face terrible losses, setbacks, and challenges we feel completely overwhelmed by. When those moments arise, the one thing that is assured is that the only way through them… is to go through them. It is so natural and normal to want something to just take the pain away. To make the hard situation easier, to have assurance that everything will turn out ok, but the reality is that none of us get that assurance. Sadly, we all know somewhat deep down that other bad things can happen. That there might not be the happy ending we are longing for BUT there is hope. There is always hope. Hope helps us see that there is another side to the story, that even if we don’t get what we think we need, there are still things that we can control and that can help us through the storms of life.

So, what can you do in the dark times of life. There are a lot of strategies to help with trauma, grief, and loss… and I’m sure I’ll hit on lots of strategies in future blogs. But today, I want to share with you the thing that helped me most through this season.  And I came across this strategy in a complete “Godwink” moment.

One thing that has always been deeply therapeutic for me is walking, lots of walking. I walk an average of 10k steps a day.  I’m going on my third year of keeping that average for the entire year. Yes, I miss days here and there, but I have lots of days where I walk 20k steps to make sure I keep up my step count. My walks help ground me and give me time to be outside.  My walks take a lot of time (usually about an hour and twenty minutes a day to get me to my 10k goal). I use that time to pray, be quiet, listen to books or podcasts, or just listen to music that soothes my soul. Sometimes it’s just a perfect time to catch up on phone calls. Walking is hands down the best strategy I have for healing, gaining perspective, and remembering that the sun will come up tomorrow and that I will hopefully have another day to get out there and try and make a difference in the world.

So, what does my walking have to do with my Godwink moment? And, what’s a Godwink moment you might also be wondering? According to Google, it’s “An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer”. So, I want to share with you my Godwink moment and what I learned that has helped carry me through this season.

As I mentioned, I was completely distraught trying to help my son and not sure what the best thing to do was in any given moment and how he would get through this situation. About a week in, as reality was settling in, I forced myself out of the hotel I was staying in and started walking again. I was behind on my steps and knew I needed some clarity to be of any real help to my son. So, I fell back on the habit I have been forming for the past few years. I started walking. I wasn’t familiar with the area and didn’t want to be far from the hotel and my car in case I needed to get to my son quickly, so I just started walking around the block the hotel was on, over and over. On one lap, I noticed something shiny on the edge of the sidewalk in the grass. I didn’t think much of it but as the days wore on, two weeks later actually, I finally decided to bend down and look at what was in the grass. It had literally been there for weeks at this point with no one disturbing it and just shining in the sun day after day. When I picked it up it was a lovely silver bracelet with an airplane charm on it. I couldn’t believe it.

One of the analogies I often use in therapy is to remind people that negative thoughts are like airplanes flying by and that we have to act like air traffic controllers deciding what we allow to land. The number of negative thoughts I was battling at that moment was overwhelming. Will my son be OK, will he make it through school, how will I transition back home and out of this hotel? Is he doing what he needs to do to get healthy? How will we pay for all of this? It literally was like a parade through my head at all times of the day, often waking me up in the middle of the night to keep disturbing my every moment.

And then there was my Godwink, the answer to my prayer, the reminder that I could control which thoughts I would allow to land. When I remembered that I didn’t have to listen to and acknowledge every negative thought that went through my head it made room for me to remember a lot of positive things. I could remember that he is healthy and will recover, that he has wonderful friends, and is curious and motivated to go to college, that I am strong and capable and will find a way to help him through this. I needed that reminder that our feelings come from our thoughts and if we let the negative thoughts land over and over, we are crowding the runway and all the thoughts that bring hope and possibility have no place to land. I picked up that bracelet and put it on. I’m assuming after weeks of being there the owner had no idea where to look to find it but if anyone ever reads this and knows it was their bracelet, I am happy to return it. In the meantime, I wear it daily to remind myself that I can choose what thoughts I allow to land. As I share my story, I am so grateful that I received this gift from God to remember that we need to make room for hope and possibilities, especially in the stormy seasons of life.

Move the Needle Forward

Sometimes life just seems too big, too fast, too hard, too much. We’ve all faced days, weeks, or months that felt overwhelming and insurmountable, but we do always get to the other side of those moments. The trick to lessening the impact is to be constantly moving the needle forward on your goals and vision for your life. It is choosing the actions that have lasting impact.

No matter what is going on in your life, there are always some things you can control and some things you can’t. A huge part of moving the needle forward is getting very good at knowing which is which. None of us can single-handedly change the economy, fix a health issue, or make someone else change to what would make our lives “easier”, but we can control our responses and actions in any given moment. This is where you move the needle forward.

When you have a clear vision for what you want in your life, it is the single most important thing for deciding how you will respond to any given situation that arises in your life. The choices that move us towards our goal are the choices that move the needle forward. They make significant impact and noticeable change in how we think or act. They are choices directed in a purposeful way.

To be a needle-mover you must understand the bigger picture, think about what will get you there, and commit to action and continuous improvement.

Here are the steps…

1.       Know your vision. Make it clear and recognizable. Some people benefit from writing it down or making a vision board, so it is clear and apparent where you are headed.

2.       Know the steps that will get you to your vision. Who do you need to be to fit in that vision. Do you need to change habits or work on your character? Do you know what it is going to look like on the way to your vision? Where will you be, what will you be doing, and who will be around you as you move towards that vision?

3.       Make sure you have a framework of habits that support you in reaching your goals. In order to move the needle forward you need to be making progress in all areas of your life; mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Take stock of where you are at and where you would like to see improvement. List concrete steps that can move the needle forward in each of those areas. Start to explore opportunities to develop the skills and changes in your life that you need to reach your goals.

4.       Schedule, monitor, and have accountability for the things you want to achieve. As you get more repetitions of any desired skill you become more proficient and eventually it becomes second nature. Make sure you are practicing being the person you want to be in your vision.

5.       Watch change happen. As you DO the actions that support your vision, you are moving the needle forward. You will be creating change with a lasting impact. When you have a vision and a plan, you have control. When the world or situations are in chaos around you, know that you can still do the things that will help you in the long run and trust that you will get through the hard times if you just persist and trust in the process. If you are doing the things that make you feel good all throughout, you will find that as the dust settles you are not only doing ok, you are actually closer to your goals and dreams than you ever were before.

The Magic Waiting for you Outside of your Comfort Zone

I think most people have seen an inspirational post or message that suggests that growth and change happen outside of our comfort zone. Do we really have to get out of our comfort zone to realize our goals and dreams?  I’ve come to believe that yes, the magic that you are looking for in your life is outside of your comfort zone. But, if you are getting stressed just thinking about this, you can rest easy, we don’t need to abandon our comfort zone, it can serve a great purpose, but we do need to get comfortable operating outside of those walls.

·         First, know what and where your comfort zone is.

It’s easy to assume just doing new things qualifies as getting out of the comfort zone. But don’t fool yourself! The adventurers and extroverts in the world are totally comfortable in novel situations and can waste a lot of time and energy seeking out unique, new experiences that might be fun or interesting but aren’t necessarily getting you out of your comfort zone.

The key, then, to recognizing the boundaries of your comfort zone lies in your feelings. If you don’t get that “ick” feeling closely followed by a ton of resistance to doing something, then whatever you are contemplating is in your comfort zone. Yes, it’s those UNcomfortable feelings that are the sure sign you have reached the boundary of your comfort zone.

We all have our own comfort zone “boundaries” that we have created for ourselves. When we’re in the comfort zone, life is predictable, and stress is manageable. It might be a night on a couch, tacos every Tuesday, or the loungewear that is always comfortable. Maybe it’s being in a certain role at work or connecting with certain types of people. Every person’s comfort zone is unique, and it changes over time so being in touch with your feelings and developing self-awareness are key to knowing your comfort zone boundaries.

Here’s the good news though, the comfort zone isn’t necessarily a bad place, on the contrary, it’s nice to have! The problem arises when we can’t get out of our comfort zones. One of the first shifts I have made to better understand the comfort zone is to understand its purpose.  It’s not a destination that we should stay in, I like to think of it as a rest stop on a long journey.  I have so many things I want to accomplish but if I always stay in my comfort zone I’m not moving forward and creating my dream life. If I think of my comfort zone as a rest stop on my journey that is there for me when I need a break, it can become a helpful tool in my arsenal.

·         Second, have your “why” for getting out of the comfort zone.

Why not just stay in your comfort zone, after all it does sound pretty comfortable. But, if you’re reading this, you are likely trying to make some changes in your life, and changes for the better. What are you hoping to achieve? Are you wanting to grow your business, make a new relationship, break a habit that is holding you back? When you have a clear destination, it is much easier to plan your journey.

Where will you be and what will happen if you get outside of your comfort zone. Be specific and write down your goals and dreams. Make sure you can visualize yourself in that place. Look for motivation and inspiration to guide you. What do people who are doing what you want to be doing look like? What do those people do with their time? What will you look like when you reach that goal? What will you look like on the way? We can all picture ourselves 20 pounds lighter in a great outfit, but can you also picture yourself making a healthy dinner with friends, walking, or doing activities that will support your health goals?

·         Third, learn to reframe your thoughts….

Anxiety and all negative states originate from our thoughts. Whatever we think creates a feeling and then an action. If I see an invitation to a networking event, my first thought might be, “it’s awful going somewhere by myself” which is quickly followed by, “it’s embarrassing to stand by myself in a group where others know each other” and “I’m awkward at starting conversations” Unsurprisingly, I am going to very likely have a negative feeling about that event and not want to go in less time than it takes me to click delete on the invitation to the networking event.

One of the most powerful skills you can learn is to reframe your thoughts and to do that you need to give yourself a little time between the thoughts and the actions. So, for example, if I see an email about a networking event, and delete it immediately (after all those negative thoughts rushed in). I never have a chance to look at the situation from any other angle. If I give myself some time, I can usually come up with some alternative ways to look at the situation and then have a better idea of how I can respond in a way that is aligned with my goals. A reframed thought might look like, “It might feel awkward at first, but I usually find someone I can chat with” or “It might be embarrassing to stand alone but if I don’t like it, I probably won’t see any of those people again so why not try and see what it is really like?” Reframed thoughts reduce the anxiety that often holds us back or keeps us stuck in the comfort zone.

·         Fourth, give yourself time to push the comfort zone boundaries outwards.

Maybe jumping into a networking event isn’t going to be a realistic place to start. Any goal, no matter how big, can be broken down into smaller manageable parts. Focus your energy on the smaller goals until you are ready to tackle larger goals.

For example, If I am not comfortable with going into a large group of unfamiliar people, I might need to first start practicing interacting with strangers. I can take a small amount of time and set a goal to interact with strangers every day.  For example, make sure at least once a day for a month you go somewhere public where you can interact with a stranger. Say hi to the person behind you in line at the grocery store. Visit a library and talk to the librarian, say hi and wave to a neighbor you don’t know on a walk around your neighborhood. Try to increase your interactions as the weeks go on, for example, you might say hi to your neighbor on the walk and then follow up and comment on the weather or ask them about their outfit or dog or some other thing you notice. Compliments go a long way in paving the way for small talk as well, “I really like that windbreaker you have on, nice and bright!” Any interactions you initiate are building your muscle for being in unfamiliar social situations and pushing the boundaries of that comfort zone. The actions we do in life create powerful feedback for the brain. When the negative thought about going to a networking event pops in the brain will have new information to challenge the negative thoughts.

There is magic and freedom outside of the comfort zone to create and grow and there is often self-care and peace inside the comfort zone. Visualize yourself in either space thriving and living your best life and you will see the growth and change flow more effortlessly than you ever have before.